Never mind what haters say, ignore 'em 'til they fade away

We were exchanging our favourite blogs my gal pal L and I. (which by the way is such a good way to broaden your reading list) and I know im not supposed to use this blog as a place to post forwarded emails or other peoples post, but i see people doing it on twitter or facebook and these articles are really interesting. And the thing is, you might not have even stumbled upon it in your day to day reading. So instead of doing it their way im doing it my way. So thank you L for a new blog for me to read. Maybe next time ill post up an entry from my favourite blog!

Keeping Score

June 12th, 2009

One of the things I’ve noticed in life and in doing the show is people’s propensity to keep score. Partners say (or at the very least think) things like, “I’ve been to dozens of his boring games, it’s time he came to a musical with me,” or “We’ve spent every single holiday with her family, it’s time my family got to see the kids at Christmas.” I know I’ve done it. And I’ve been royally ticked when my partner was very good at taking, and not so good at giving.

“Compromise” is the word that usually comes up when you start to talk about “evening the score.” I actually think that score-keeping is a really bad idea, although I’m the first to admit I have no idea how to get people to stop. And I hate, Hate, HATE the word “compromise.” Maybe because whenever it’s been thrown at me, as in “You’ll have to compromise,” (said in a deep, patronizing voice) it’s usually because I’ve done just about enough compromising and have drawn a line.

I much prefer the word “negotiate.” The idea behind compromise is that both couples do it evenly so that over time it’s a 50/50 wash. Personal experience has told me that this very seldom happens. Usually one partner is much “better” at compromising, and turns into a doormat for the sake of peace. The other claims to compromise, but it’s on very small things. Then the Keeping Score starts.

The problem with keeping score is that sometimes it takes a long time before the other person gets theirs and the score builds and builds on one side of the scoreboard, making the person who is doing all the compromising feel like a fool. Eventually, if you’re in a real partnership, it comes out in the wash. But what about all those feelings of resentment and being-taken-advantage-of in the meantime?

I like the idea of negotiation. Here’s how it works.

“Honey, I want us to go to my parents’ for the holidays.”

“Okay, sweetie, I know that, but I hate your parents. Your mother always acts like I was the worst possible choice in a mate. She looks right through me.”

“But she hasn’t seen the kids in five years. And she’s sick. This is really important to me.”

HERE’S WHERE THE NEGOTIATION COMES IN…

“How important on a scale of 1-10?”

“It’s a 9.5.”

“Well, it’s a 8.5 for me NOT to go on my scale, so you get this one.”

Ha, I see the flaw Gail…. What if the other guy makes all his/her scores a 10 all the time? See, that’s where my brand of negotiation is so great: For every three in a row one guy gets, the other guy gets an auto-default to what he/she wants. So if you play the 10 card three times in a row to get your way, you’d better be prepared for what comes next, because it’s my way all the way baby!

For most couples this kid of negotiation works because, on a case-by-case basis, you’re determining just how important it is to each person. If something is a 5 to me and a 7 to you, clearly you get what you want. If it’s a 9 to me and a 3 to you, I get my way. If it’s a close call, which it can sometimes be, then you’ll have to negotiate on a finer point.

“Not going to your mother’s house is a 9 for me, baby. Sorry.”

“Going is a 9 for me so what now.”

“Well, how long do we have to stay?”

“I’d like to stay 5 days.”

“Okay, I’m prepared to give this to you if we stay two days.”

“TWO DAYS!… How about three.”

“How about 2 and we call it three! Hey, man, the fact that you’re getting me to go to your mom’s house is a fricken miracle. Cut me some slack.”

“Alright, we’ll go late on Friday and leave early on Sunday. That’ll seem like three days.”

“No, buddy, it’ll seem like a month. But I’ll buy that.”

Try it. See if you can make it work for you. And it doesn’t matter how small the negotiation is, remember the three-in-a-row rule. It’s bad for the relationship dynamic for one person to get his or her own way all the time, no matter how right (s)he may be.

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